Written by Dawn Rutan
The following is an article I had published in 1999. One reader at the time thought that it was too snarky. Although I might phrase things a little differently today, my underlying beliefs have not changed. I know other singles in the same boat, as well as some who wish they were married, but I also know married folks who wish they weren’t. I’ll add a few thoughts at the end.
—
What’s the first thing that is mentioned when a young, single woman joins the church? Usually it’s “We’ve got to find you a husband and get you married off.” At least that’s what they told me. Why can’t they let me be content with who I am? People are always trying to set me up, even though I’ve told them I’m not interested in dating or marriage. There’s an underlying assumption that to be unmarried is to be incomplete. Just because the Bible says that Adam and Eve “became one flesh” doesn’t mean they were less than whole before that. Marriage is a special case where 1+1=1, not ½+½=1. And don’t tell me “It’s not good for the man/woman to be alone.” When God said that about Adam, he was the only person on earth, not just an unmarried person in a marrying society.
So why am I not interested in dating or marriage? There are several reasons I would like the matchmakers to be aware of:
1) “In [Christ] all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete” (Colossians 2:10 NASB).
I am complete in Christ, so being unmarried does not make me less of a person than someone who is married. Jesus Christ supplies all my needs for affirmation, affection, attention, and acceptance. Apart from Him, I have no other needs that any man could fill.
2) “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness’” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).
Though many people consider women, particularly single women, to be weak and unable to protect themselves, God has shown His strength to be sufficient. There are many evils in this world that we could be afraid of, but even a man can’t protect me from most of those things, while God will protect me from anything that is not in His will for me. God will provide, protect, preserve, and persevere for me because He is sovereign.
3) “But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I… One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:8, 32 NASB).
For whatever reason, God has called me to this time and place as a minister for Him. For me to get seriously involved with someone would take a lot of time and energy I need to spend learning from the Lord and doing His work. I know that I am still growing “in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:180, and that “He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). I don’t want anything to hinder my relationship with Him.
4) “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations… and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20).
This was the last command of Jesus while He was on earth, and I believe it is my own great commission to make disciples in obedience to Christ. That entails a lifestyle of building relationships that will have eternal consequences, unlike marriage, since Jesus said, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matthew 22:30). The marriage relationship is for the purpose of fulfilling God’s original command in Genesis 9:7 to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jesus initiated a new method of multiplying by making disciples. This doesn’t necessarily negate that of biological multiplication, but I believe it does make it less important. I don’t feel the need to bear children, and indeed, I wouldn’t want to try to raise children in the world today. It is much more important for me to be a discipler than it is to be a mother.
I believe God has given me the gift of celibacy, at least for the time being. I haven’t dated in eleven years [now 26 years!], and I don’t feel the need to start dating now. If God wants me to marry at some point, He will be the One to convince me of that, not anyone else.
So, before you start matchmaking for every single person in your church, consider this: not every single person is single for the same reasons. Some, like me, are single by choice and don’t want help meeting every eligible person around. Others may want to date and eventually marry, and they might appreciate a neutral place to meet others of like-mindedness. Also, in today’s society, we must also consider that there are some who do not want to date because they are homosexual. For such a person, efforts to set them up will only further alienate them from the church, which is the only place where grace makes complete healing possible. At least have the courtesy to ask people if they want to meet some eligible singles before you tell everyone you know who so-and-so should meet and marry. “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Philippians 4:11). So by the grace of God I will continue being “single and satisfied.”
—
The reason this article came to mind this week is that the enemy tried to hit me with a lie. I’m sure most parents hope that their little girls will grow up, marry, and have kids of their own. The thought crossed my mind, “I wonder if my life was supposed to have a different story line?” Thankfully, God quickly reminded me of the truth: “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16 ESV). God doesn’t revise His book because of choices that I make. He knows every sin, scar, and success. He already knows the picture He is making out of all the puzzle pieces of my life, and He’s not left wondering, “Now what do I do with that piece?!”
He knew in advance all the events that would take place and how they would shape my character, desires, and choices. If He had intended for me to desire marriage and children, He certainly could have made that possible, but then I would be someone other than who I am. Although I may occasionally wish some parts of my life were different, I’m okay with being who God has made me. Such is my life!
© 2015 Dawn Rutan. The views stated may or may not reflect the beliefs of the pastor or leadership of Dulin’s Grove Church.
