Written by Dawn Rutan
I’ve shared some quotes from Ed Tandy McGlasson’s book The Father You’ve Always Wanted, and he makes some good points. However, someone reading the book might get the false impression that when a person becomes a Christian and accepts God as their Father, they will immediately become a perfect father or mother themselves. There is a brief clarifying sentence near the end of the book, “That wasn’t the day I became perfect—that day will never come on this earth, as my wife and kids can testify!”
An apt illustration comes from Killjoys: The Seven Deadly Sins. In the chapter on anger, Jonathan Parnell writes:
The most consistent cause of my anger is the disobedience of my children. On one hand, it is right to be appropriately incensed by their foolish behavior. I love them, and the trajectory of their foolishness is harm. But on the other hand, their disobedience isn’t always the real issue. The tricky question is whether I am angry because I’ve been inconvenienced by their disobedience. If I am loving my children more than myself, my anger responds to their disobedience with patient and particular care and discipline… But if I’m mainly concerned with myself, my anger is not love for them; it only deals with the inconvenience their disobedience is to me… I am loving myself at that moment, not my children.
It seems a little silly to have to say it, but there are no perfect parents besides God. We’re all screwed up people who hurt one another even when we have the best of intentions. Access to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit does not guarantee that we will always make the best decisions or that they will be received as such. The steadfast love of God does not keep us from causing pain at times. First John 4:18 says that “perfect love casts out fear,” but God is the only One able to love perfectly at all times. I was a bit surprised to find that the Bible never instructs us to trust one another, and in fact usually urges caution against trusting anyone besides God.
We wouldn’t have to be told to forgive one another if there weren’t harms being done even among those who are dedicated Christians. I return again to Colossians 3:12-13— “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Paul wrote this to believers, the “saints and faithful brothers in Christ at Colossae” (1:2), not to unbelievers or just to those who were recently converted. We need these instructions every day of our Christian lives. We’re all works in progress, but we sometimes forget that fact. We sin intentionally or unintentionally; we err in judgment and understanding; we make incorrect assumptions and have misplaced expectations.
Those we most love and trust are the ones who hold the most power to hurt us. Vulnerability can be quite painful. I’ve been there recently, and it’s not a pleasant place to dwell, nor any easy hole to climb out of. But I recognize the fact that the choice to avoid pain is also to avoid love. It may be somewhat easier to live behind walls, but it’s also joyless. Even as I’ve been hurt, I find myself reaching out to trusted friends rather than retreating to the fortress as I would have in the past.
Forgiveness may be the greatest and hardest lesson we need to learn, both in our relationship with God and with one another. We are forgiven by God, so we can forgive ourselves and forgive others. God has extended more grace and mercy than we could ever begin to earn, so we can learn to do the same for our fellow imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m sure it will never be easy, but by grace perhaps we can make progress.
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” -1 Peter 4:8
