What Did You Expect?

Written by Dawn Rutan

Typically September has been a month of increasing depression for me. Thankfully, this September has started out better than average. It seems odd that the lack of major depression creates as many or more questions for me than the experience of depression. I guess I don’t want to hope for something that is unlikely to happen (complete freedom from depression). I want all my hopes to be based in scriptural faith, and my expectations to follow, and “In this world you will have trouble.” I want God’s perfect will with or without depression, but I fully expect it to be with depression. After all, it’s been 40 years so far and I don’t see much reason it should change now. Whether it’s September, or monthly, or all the time, I’m pretty much used to it in varying degrees.

Tim Keller made a few points in Walking with God through Pain and Suffering (pp. 190-192):

“First, suffering transforms our attitude toward ourselves. It humbles us and removes unrealistic self-regard and pride… Suffering also leads us to examine ourselves and see weaknesses…

“Second, suffering will profoundly change our relationship to the good things in our lives. We will see that some things have become too important to us…

“Third, and most of all, suffering can strengthen our relationship to God as nothing else can… Suffering drives us toward God to pray as we never would otherwise…

“Finally, suffering is almost a prerequisite if we are going to be of much use to other people, especially when they go through their own trials.”

Keller also quotes research that says:

“The prevailing view is… that the depressive person tends to distort reality in a negative way… [But recent research has] turned this received wisdom on its head, providing evidence that it is not the depressive who distorts reality but the so-called healthy population… Even if depression does distort reality in a negative way… the fact remains that it removes the positive self-biases that are seen in the non-depressed… With recover [from depression], and with the lifting of the mood, a new kind of truth could emerge” (189).

A couple Scriptures come to mind:

Philippians 3:8, 10-11 (ESV)- “For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ… that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”

Psalm 139:23-24- “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

With those thoughts in mind, my prayer has been that God would reveal where my thoughts and expectations are in need of change, where they might be based on human experience and interpretation rather than on truth, reality, and Scripture. So I took the time to read through Jesus’ words in the Gospel of John, and a few things stood out as I read.

1. It’s all about God’s glory—revealing the Father; worshiping in spirit and truth; doing the Father’s will. “The one who speaks on his own authority seeks his own glory; but the one who seeks the glory of him who sent him is true, and in him there is no falsehood” (7:18).
2. Fulfillment is found in Jesus—the Bread of Life, the Living Water, the Good Shepherd, the Light of the World, the Resurrection and the Life.
3. Suffering reveals the glory of God, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (9:3).
4. Jesus cares for the needy, the wounded, the stragglers, even the leftovers: “Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost” (6:12). “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of My hand” (10:27-28).
5. Jesus faced the sorrow of the lost and hurting and wept over them. “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me…” (12:25-26). “A servant is not greater than his master…” (13:16), and since He was a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53), we can expect the same, along with the hatred of the world (15:18-20).
6. “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit His prunes that it may bear more fruit” (15:2). Abiding in the Vine can be painful, because no one prunes a branch that is not part of the Vine.
7. This world is full of sorrow for those who follow Christ, “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you” (16:22). I’ve always assumed (or perhaps been taught) that this referred to Jesus’ resurrection and appearance to the disciples. But it seems more likely that He’s referring to the Second Coming, when all the sorrow will be permanently erased and there will be nothing left to interfere with God’s perfect will.
8. “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (16:33). That overcoming will not be fully realized in this age. “I do not ask that You take them out of the world, but that You keep them from the evil one” (17:15).

It is clear scripturally that those who are seeking happiness in this life are more likely to be disappointed than those who expect suffering. Whether it is cynicism or realism, I don’t really expect my feelings to radically improve. At the same time, I feel closer to God in sorrow than in attempted joy. I feel more usable in hearing from God and communicating His love and comfort to others. I’m more aware that sanctification is made evident through humility and weakness as I have to rely more on God.

All that to say (at least for the moment), I’m okay with emotional friability if it means that God can use me for His purposes. I am thankful for the brief respites I have received, which have served to renew my endurance. The story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 is often on my mind, and I look ahead that “times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord” (Acts 3:19).